Creative, Perfectionist, Anxious: Negotiating those traits and the Enneagram

Recently I’ve discovered the Enneagram, and that’s a huge can of worms I don’t want to open just yet, but it’s got me introspective about my personality. What is hard-wired? What isn’t? Am I throttling my true self by not tuning into my creative side? What is caused by my mental illness and what is just the realities of life?

At this point I’m no where near being an expert, but the number types do give me a helpful way to talk about the identity struggle (I’m hesitant to call it a crisis just yet) I’m currently wrestling with.

Exploring an inner coversation

What I’ve been thinking about really intensely is what feels like the conversation between two types, one and four. Since I first discovered the system, and through all of the tests I’ve found to do, I’ve been a four. And your type does not change throughout your lifetime – it’s something you come to know through self-exploration. For some, it takes very little time, and for others, an eternity. Although most metrics sit me as a four, I also identify very strongly with type one. The most interesting part of this dichotomy is that type one is the type that fours tend to lean toward when they are unhealthy.

Ones and fours: Principled and creative

Essentially, a four (The Individualist) is a creative, and a one (The Reformer) is a perfectionist. Being a creative has been at the core of my identity for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, it’s also a part of my identity that I’ve felt quite disconnected from. I could attribute this to any number of reasons, and probably will in a later post. But in my journey of discovering whether I am a one or a four, I’ve found myself looking inward. I’m also looking back. I think that for a person with a largely idyllic young childhood, I think it’s easiest to reflect on the essence of who I am as an individual by looking at that time. It was a time before things like rent, living circumstances, work, school, and relationship conflict changed how I tackled life.

The creative as a child

Early in my life, when life was not something to be battled with, I turned to creative endeavours with all of the free time I could grasp. Markers, pencil crayons, paint, paper, pens, pencils, glue, glitter, cardboard, felt… my dream jobs were cartoonist, architect, and interior designer. The biggest fissure between my creative life and the life I live now came in university. This was when I rejected art as a career (another story for another day). Retrospectively, looking at my creative instincts in childhood and adolescence make me believe that at my core, I am a four.

The island of unfinished creative projects

There is one other trait that as I four I am currently identifying with very intensely. It was also a quintessential part of my childhood. Intense, regular formulation of new, exciting ideas, with very little follow-through. The number of creative projects I have begun with gusto and never finished throughout my life is unfathomable. I’m in one of those creative phases right now and it’s impossibly frustrating. I’m working full-time, 7-3. Four days a week, I drive straight to UBC for class, getting home around 8pm. On the weekends I spend all my spare time doing readings, marking, and writing assignments. So all of those creative ideas, at their best, get written down and “saved for later.”

But when is later?

That’s when the anxiety perfectionism comes in. I currently have two new instagram accounts and plenty of ideas. My bullet journal is full of lists on lists on lists. I have ideas by the bushel. But even if I had the time to follow through on any of them, would I?

The perfect time

I get caught up in “waiting for the perfect time.” But I’ve come across some media recently (thanks @selfcaresunday) that’s been focusing on the idea that there’s no perfect time for anything. There’s just time and what we do with it.

I think that my anxiety and perfectionism keep me from really letting myself be my true four self. They push me into the unhealthy side of four. This magnifies the negative tendencies of ones to be too hard on themselves and others.

Whether you subscribe to the Enneagram typing system or not, it’s an interesting concept to think about. And I think the result of it at this point for me is that regardless of my true type (I’ll keep ruminating on that), I want to make an effort to just do the thing. Part of that is typing up this blog post in about an hour, editing very minimally, and just posting it. Normally a blog post is a slow, painstaking process for me. I iterate and edit, iterate and edit, and post and edit and repost. From idea to publish button, this one has taken less than an hour.

Where is the creative going from here?

Part of doing the thing, for me, is going to be exploding the the month-long “creative ideas” list I’ve been carrying around with me in a drawer in my brain. I’ll blast it all out onto some paper. Maybe in coloured marker.

Another part will be choosing one of those ideas and taking concrete steps toward manifesting it into being every day. Even if it’s just five minutes.

There are a thousand reasons why this is “not the perfect time.”

To that I say: there is no perfect time. But this is what my soul needs to do.

Thankful Thursday Special Edition: Autumn 2018

Welcome to the twenty-first instalment of my Thankful Thursday series, a special edition expressing gratitude for Autumn! How fitting is it that today, a Thursday, is officially the last day of Autumn for 2018? Winter Solstice is tomorrow, and gosh am I ready for the days to start getting longer again.

This week, I’m focusing on gratitude for the beautiful Autumn we’ve had this year in Vancouver, and for the growth I’ve been able to manifest this season.

Here’s my Thankful Thursday for the Autumn season!

Things I am thankful for over this autumn season:

  • The weather. Of course, in Vancouver style, we’ve had our fair share of rain. (Remember the 80mm we got last Tuesday? I don’t want to. ) However, this year was pretty good compared to last year… THIS was last autumn in Vancouver: 27 days of rain in November and 28 days of rain in October.

    Image by @grantlawrencecbc on Instagram.
  • The new flagship Indigo store opened around the corner from our apartment. This is bad for my wallet and good for my soul. I’ve already, on two separate occasions, been walking by and just stepped in to take a whiff for 30 seconds. If you know, you know. They also have a Starbucks!

  • I managed to juggle coaching rugby on the weekends, taking two in-person classes at UBC to start my Masters, and working full-time in West Vancouver.
  • I kept up an exercise routine, working out 5-6 times per week.
  • I didn’t have any panic attacks.

And the main purpose of this post, Autumn 2018 in Vancouver: A photo essay.

September 21-30.

Stanley Park and the West End.

UBC.

Back to the seawall.

October.

UBC.

 

More seawall.

Back to UBC. I’m sensing a pattern here.

And back to the seawall.

West End.

Crazy sunrise on the seawall.

And back to UBC for another evening.

A gorgeous weekend in Kamloops for rugby.

English Bay, Second Beach, and the West End.

A visit to a friend’s with beautiful views.

At work in the rain, even that’s pretty.

November.

Back at UBC.

Another seawall dump.

West Vancouver.

Freaky sunset in Yaletown.

More seawall.

December.

UBC.

My last seawall visit of Autumn.

Pockets of sunlight and cozy in the midst of dreariness.

A gorgeous sunrise upon arrival at work to end it off.

Here’s to a Winter of chasing more light and getting even cozier.

And hopefully getting back to blogging more regularly, but with three courses this semester instead of two, we’ll see.

There you have it!

So, that’s my Thankful Thursday list for this season. I hope it inspires you to make your own, and get on that gratitude train!

Peace and love,

Bee

 

 

Thankful Thursday 15: Movement

Welcome to the fifteenth instalment of my Thankful Thursday series, Movement!

It’s been about a month! For my husband and I, it’s been a month FULL of travel, so I took almost all that time off from blogging. We hit up Seattle for four Blue Jays games, and went to our hometown in New Brunswick to visit friends and family.

Now that I’m back, this week I’m focusing on gratitude for movement.

Here’s my Thankful Thursday for the week of August 17 – August 23, 2018!

Things I am thankful for over the past week:

  • On Friday, our last full day in NB, Andrew and I hosted a BBQ at his parents’ house with a ton of our friends and their kids. Great food, company, and baby cuddles, what more could a girl want?!
  • Our trip back to Vancouver on Saturday went off pretty much without a hitch. Even though it was smoky when we got home, it wasn’t too hot in the apartment, and we slept well and adjusted to the four-hour time change quickly,
  • We grabbed brunch at our favourite weekend haunt Sunday morning – I’m sure that helped us adapt, too!
  • On Monday, I did a whole bunch of major adulting things make me anxious – getting things sorted for the upcoming start of my M.Ed. program, and making phone calls for things like car maintenance, car insurance renewal, and getting my new glasses.
  • I spent a lot of time reading and relaxing.

  • I took the time to enjoy the chalk art that has taken over my home corner of Robson Street recently.

  • And although I really hate the smoke because it’s keeping me cooped up inside, it does make for some eerily cool photos.

    On the way to Starbucks, very close to my home. It felt like walking around in a dystopia that day!

The view from my counsellor’s office. Normally you can see a huge stretch of North Shore mountains. Not so on this day!

An angry, red, smoky sunrise.

Out our apartment window, that crazy, yellow, hazy post-apocalyptic light.

And the theme for this week, Movement!

This week I’ve felt gratitude for the exercise routine I’ve gotten myself into over the last month. I believe I mentioned in my last Thankful Thursday post that I started a new workout program. I’m doing Kayla Itsines’ BBG program using the Sweat app. And it’s doing me a world of good. I knew I wanted to do a body weight exercise-based program to go along with a reduced running schedule as cross-training during the half-marathon off-season (which for me is July through December). I’d seen a few others trying and loving this program, and it was easily accessible for me and reasonably priced ($20 a month, and I can do it at home!).

It has been really smoky here in BC since we got back from vacation. I am so thankful that I’m in the rhythm of doing these workouts, because I’m still getting my body moving even though I can’t run outside now. I’ve always needed to exercise regularly for my mental health. Even though I’ve done the BBG workouts, I’m still feeling antsy because I haven’t been able to go for a run. But I am thankful for the movement I have been able to do! And to get some cardio in this morning I pulled the stationary bike out of the closet to do a little HIIT.

A little more about BBG

I love everything about this program except its name. BBG stands for Bikini Body Guide. Ugh, even typing it out makes me cringe. All bodies are bikini bodies, not just bodies that are as RIDICULOUSLY sculpted as the trainers in the program videos. I have to admit, it would be nice to see someone a bit more average-sized demonstrating the exercises in the app occasionally. I’m not trying to be down on myself, but with the lifestyle that I want I am realistically never going to look like Kayla, and sometimes it makes me feel bad. I’m human.

Anyway, the program is composed of three resistance sessions a week that take 35-40 minutes each. Then, you can do whatever kind of cardio movement you want three times a week. For me, this is running, obviously (or stationary biking this week, due to the smoke). It can be hiking, swimming, walking, biking, whatever. The last part is recovery. One day a week is completely off, and one day you incorporate a stretch and foam roller session. I think this is a really great balance that helps me keep my running legs. And I also get to build muscle and strength to help me do even better next half-marathon season. Plus, it’s structure that works really well for my mental health. It’s gotten me into a really great routine, so it’s easy to motivate myself to do it. And it’s almost daily, so my anxiety levels are partly managed by all that movement.

There you have it!

So, that’s my Thankful Thursday list for this week. I hope it inspires you to make your own, and get on that gratitude train!

Peace and love,

Bee

My 20 Favourite Podcasts of 2018

I’ve mentioned this before here on Lexical Abandon. Now I’m saying it again: I’m obsessed with podcasts.

What are Podcasts?

Podcasts are audio shows. They can be narrative, fiction, non-fiction, news, quiz shows, science, education, comedy… the list goes on. They’re like TV but only for your ears. Or radio shows that you can download for free and take anywhere. You can listen to them anytime, and you can save favourite episodes. You can use your phone’s dedicated Podcasts app, such as “Podcasts” on iPhones. Other options are third-party apps like Overcast, Audible, or Stitcher. Usually podcasts run in seasons, with a new episode being released either weekly or bi-weekly for a certain period. You can even set up your phone to auto-download new episodes, so you don’t have to go searching for new stuff or memorize when things come out.

Why do You Like Them so Much?

I started listening to podcasts around February of 2018, about 14 months ago. It quickly became an obsession that is only continuing to grow. Listening to podcasts is almost akin to meditation for me. I most often listen to them while driving, running, showering, doing chores, and playing mindless games on my phone. Listening to music is something I used to do while doing these activities. However, I love getting to give my brain some extra simulation. Podcasts have taught me and introduced me to so many things over the last year or so. I hate to waste time, so I love to feel like I’m doing two tasks at once.

It’s great to be able to listen to podcasts while also getting stuff done or while doing an activity like running or driving. Those are times when I can’t actually do anything else, so it’s awesome. I also find really inspiring. They really help me feel motivated to write, journal, be introspective, and work on my blogs.

So, What are Your Favourites?

So glad you asked. This is definitely not an exhaustive list, but I’ve narrowed down my top 20 podcasts. I also added a couple of honourable mentions for specific categories. Considering I now subscribe to 166 podcasts, this was no small feat.

In no particular order…

    • Homecoming, by Gimlet Media. Written by Eli Horowitz and starring Catherine Keener and David Schwimmer. This is a fictional narrative about a rehabilitation project run by the US Department of Defense.
    • Reply All, by Gimlet Media. Hosted by Alex Goldman and PJ Vogt. A podcast about all things weird and interesting on the Internet.
    • The Pitch, by Gimlet Media. Hosted by Josh Muccio. Startup founders pitch their companies to real investors.
    • Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me, by NPR. Hosted by Peter Sagal and Bill Kurtis. A weekly, hilarious news quiz show.
    • Not by Accident, by Sophie & Astrid Harper. A non-fiction narrative about choosing to be a single mother.
    • Science VS, by Gimlet Media. Hosted by Wendy Zukerman. The podcast version of mythbusters, Science VS determines the validity of various topics.
    • Nancy, by WNYC Studios. Hosted by Tobin Low and Kathy Tu. A podcast about all things LGBTQ+.
    • Modern Love, a WBUR Podcast. Hosted by Meghna Chakrabarti. Public figures read essays published in New York Times “Modern Love” column, and Chakrabarti has conversations with the authors.
    • Conversations with People who Hate Me, a Night Vale Podcast. Hosted by Dylan Marron. Dylan has phone conversations with people who have said hateful things to him on the Internet.
    • Endless Thread, a podcast by WBUR and Reddit. Hosted by Ben Brock Johnson. It explores compelling Internet stories found on Reddit.

Phew, That’s 10! So here are 10 More…

  • Ear Hustle, a Radiotopia Podcast. Hosted by Nigel Poor and Earlonne Woods. A podcast about life inside the walls of San Quentin State Prison.
  • Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, hosted by Vanessa Zoltan and Casper ter Kuile. The hosts discuss Harry Potter chapter by chapter as if it were a sacred text.
  • Vancouver is Awesome, by Glacier Media. Hosted by Bob Kronbauer and Lindsay William-Ross. An outlet of the Vancouver is Awesome website, the two hosts talk about all things Vancity.
  • Warm Regards, hosted by Eric Holthaus. Co-hosted by Jacquelyn Gill and Andy Revkin. A podcast talking about global warming.
  • WorkLife, a TED Podcast. Hosted by Adam Grant. The host is an organizational psychologist who is working to find out what makes work better.
  • Caught, an NPR podcast. Hosted by Kai Wright. A deep dive into children’s experiences with the juvenile justice system.
  • The Chasing Joy Podcast, hosted by Georgie Morley. Georgie interviews awesome people to get to the root of joy.
  • Sounds Good with Branden Harvey. Part of Branden’s “Good Good Good” company, Branden interviews all kinds of inspiring people creating positive change in the world.
  • Slightly Problematic, hosted by Bailey Carlin and Erica Esper. Two friends who talk about some “slightly problematic” topics in hilarious fashion.
  • Self-Care Sunday with Kayley Reed. A minimalist media project that comes out only on Sundays and interviews awesome people about self-care.

Honourable Mentions

These podcasts don’t necessarily make my top 20, but they’re really great. They also fit into categories that are pretty saturated. So I think it’s impressive that they’re favourites for me.

Best True-Crime Podcast: They Walk Among Us, by Benjamin and Rosie (last names not provided). This podcast tells stories of UK true-crime.

Best Limited-Episode Podcast: Unburnable: The People vs. Arctic Oil, a RadioWolfgang podcast. Narrated by Cormac McAuliffe (9 episodes). It covers a court case against the Norwegian government. The people want to stop drilling of new oil in the Arctic.

Best Historical Podcast: The Secret Life of Canada, hosted by Leah Simone Bowen and Falen Johnson. This podcast is fairly new. It features untold (and gruesome) stories of Canada’s colonial history.

See you in October!

I’ve decided I’ll do this every 6 months or so. I discover new podcasts all the time and love to share my obsession, because they’re so awesome!

Happy Listening!

Peace and love,

Bee

Thankful Thursday 1: An Introduction

One of the people I follow on Instagram, Alexandra (@alexandratheoptimist) has started doing something she calls Thankful Thursday. She’s a really great mental health advocate, and I love these little initiatives that she shares.

What is Thankful Thursday?

Every Thursday, Alexandra shares some things in her Instagram Story that she’s thankful for, and they can be big or little or somewhere in between.

Why do I want to do it?

I’ve tracked things I’m grateful for in my bullet journal for a couple of years now, and I find it really helps me to stay grounded. Often, I get in a downward spiral of anxious thoughts. Thinking about the things that have made me feel good in my week is a great way to remind myself that things are not all bad. In fact, they’re often pretty awesome!

Also, for a couple of years I did a project on Instagram that I called #beccashappylife. It was a trend that started with a project called #100happydays. Sadly, I think the reward ended up being not real (them sending you a gift), but it did end up starting a pretty great gratitude trend.

Finally, I think this project is “on brand,” if you will, with what I’m doing here in this blog space, so I’m going to start having it as a regular, weekly segment!

Here’s my Thankful Thursday!

Things I am thankful for this week:

  • The sun has come out three out of four days so far this week (yes, in my opinion the first day of the week is Monday)
  • I got a serendipitous phone call on Monday
  • Less trouble getting out of bed in the mornings, which is probably the second biggest thing
  • I got some funding for my Master’s degree from work (YESSS!!!! Definitely the biggest thing)
  • Really great tutoring session with a client
  • Chocolate and cookies
  • I went to sleep before 10 once
  • This morning I got this view as a reward for getting up at 5:45am (let’s be honest, it was 5:48 after I spent 3 minutes feeling sorry for myself) to go for my run:

What Next?

I’ve been really ruminating on something my counsellor recently suggested to me about this gratitude tracking. What she said was that it’s great to retroactively track the things that you’ve been grateful for. However, there are important next steps to make it an even more meaningful practice. The first is to start noticing great moments as they’re happening, not just after when you have the chance to take some time to think about it.

Being able to recognize these happy, warm, gratitude-filled moments as they’re happening is a really great way to combat anxiety and depression and to just have better days in general.

The next step my counsellor talked to me about was being able to draw on memories of these great moments when we’re struggling or in a dark or difficult place. They can give you a great buffer between your brains and destructive thoughts, and can increase mood in general when you can call on them at will.

Some of my Favourite Moments to Call on in Times of Darkness and Anxiety

  • Sitting on my couch in a puddle of sunshine
  • The first taste of hot coffee on the weekend
  • The moment I press the timer on my running watch when I’ve completed a training session
  • The feeling of wake-up cuddles with my dog Jazzy. She used to wait at my bedroom door for me to get out of bed
  • The feeling of closing a really great book after I’ve finished it

There you have it!

So, that’s my Thankful Thursday list for the week. I hope it inspires you to make your own, and get on that gratitude train!

Peace and love,

Bee