Creative, Perfectionist, Anxious: Negotiating those traits and the Enneagram

Recently I’ve discovered the Enneagram, and that’s a huge can of worms I don’t want to open just yet, but it’s got me introspective about my personality. What is hard-wired? What isn’t? Am I throttling my true self by not tuning into my creative side? What is caused by my mental illness and what is just the realities of life?

At this point I’m no where near being an expert, but the number types do give me a helpful way to talk about the identity struggle (I’m hesitant to call it a crisis just yet) I’m currently wrestling with.

Exploring an inner coversation

What I’ve been thinking about really intensely is what feels like the conversation between two types, one and four. Since I first discovered the system, and through all of the tests I’ve found to do, I’ve been a four. And your type does not change throughout your lifetime – it’s something you come to know through self-exploration. For some, it takes very little time, and for others, an eternity. Although most metrics sit me as a four, I also identify very strongly with type one. The most interesting part of this dichotomy is that type one is the type that fours tend to lean toward when they are unhealthy.

Ones and fours: Principled and creative

Essentially, a four (The Individualist) is a creative, and a one (The Reformer) is a perfectionist. Being a creative has been at the core of my identity for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, it’s also a part of my identity that I’ve felt quite disconnected from. I could attribute this to any number of reasons, and probably will in a later post. But in my journey of discovering whether I am a one or a four, I’ve found myself looking inward. I’m also looking back. I think that for a person with a largely idyllic young childhood, I think it’s easiest to reflect on the essence of who I am as an individual by looking at that time. It was a time before things like rent, living circumstances, work, school, and relationship conflict changed how I tackled life.

The creative as a child

Early in my life, when life was not something to be battled with, I turned to creative endeavours with all of the free time I could grasp. Markers, pencil crayons, paint, paper, pens, pencils, glue, glitter, cardboard, felt… my dream jobs were cartoonist, architect, and interior designer. The biggest fissure between my creative life and the life I live now came in university. This was when I rejected art as a career (another story for another day). Retrospectively, looking at my creative instincts in childhood and adolescence make me believe that at my core, I am a four.

The island of unfinished creative projects

There is one other trait that as I four I am currently identifying with very intensely. It was also a quintessential part of my childhood. Intense, regular formulation of new, exciting ideas, with very little follow-through. The number of creative projects I have begun with gusto and never finished throughout my life is unfathomable. I’m in one of those creative phases right now and it’s impossibly frustrating. I’m working full-time, 7-3. Four days a week, I drive straight to UBC for class, getting home around 8pm. On the weekends I spend all my spare time doing readings, marking, and writing assignments. So all of those creative ideas, at their best, get written down and “saved for later.”

But when is later?

That’s when the anxiety perfectionism comes in. I currently have two new instagram accounts and plenty of ideas. My bullet journal is full of lists on lists on lists. I have ideas by the bushel. But even if I had the time to follow through on any of them, would I?

The perfect time

I get caught up in “waiting for the perfect time.” But I’ve come across some media recently (thanks @selfcaresunday) that’s been focusing on the idea that there’s no perfect time for anything. There’s just time and what we do with it.

I think that my anxiety and perfectionism keep me from really letting myself be my true four self. They push me into the unhealthy side of four. This magnifies the negative tendencies of ones to be too hard on themselves and others.

Whether you subscribe to the Enneagram typing system or not, it’s an interesting concept to think about. And I think the result of it at this point for me is that regardless of my true type (I’ll keep ruminating on that), I want to make an effort to just do the thing. Part of that is typing up this blog post in about an hour, editing very minimally, and just posting it. Normally a blog post is a slow, painstaking process for me. I iterate and edit, iterate and edit, and post and edit and repost. From idea to publish button, this one has taken less than an hour.

Where is the creative going from here?

Part of doing the thing, for me, is going to be exploding the the month-long “creative ideas” list I’ve been carrying around with me in a drawer in my brain. I’ll blast it all out onto some paper. Maybe in coloured marker.

Another part will be choosing one of those ideas and taking concrete steps toward manifesting it into being every day. Even if it’s just five minutes.

There are a thousand reasons why this is “not the perfect time.”

To that I say: there is no perfect time. But this is what my soul needs to do.

Thankful Thursday 18: Coping

Welcome to the eighteenth instalment of my Thankful Thursday series, Coping!

Hard to believe, Thursday came around again (and went again just as quickly). This week, I’m focusing on gratitude for coping.

Here’s my Thankful Thursday for the week of September 7 – September 13, 2018!

Things I am thankful for over the past week:

  • To start off my week, I had a busy Friday, with work, an appointment, and my grad school department orientation. I was a bit apprehensive about the thing, because it was several hours long and involved a lot of socializing with new people, but I handled it well.
  • I then had a lovely weekend! A short run on a beautifully grey Saturday morning:

  • Followed by an afternoon jaunt. I took this photo because I looked up and just thought, “Man, that’s pretty.” I need to take more moments to appreciate and be thankful for how amazingly pretty my everyday surroundings are.

  • I’m struggling with this abrupt transition to fall that we’re having here in Vancouver. It seems like we went from 30 degrees, to 30 degrees and smoke, to COLD and WET. However, I do love the leaves. It’s almost time to take my annual huge leaf photo!

  • My latest gel manicure lasted almost an entire month, and after removing it, my nails were long and fresh for the first time in forever. I have a lot more to say about this because of my chronic health issues and my BFRB, but I’ll save that for its own post.

Naturally, in true Murphy’s Law Becca style, I broke my middle finger nail on a binder right before taking this photo. It had been just as long as the others.

  • I also had a lovely long 10k Sunday run, albeit very wet. This view at super low tide was a treat:

And finally, the theme for this week, Coping!

This week I’m feeling really grateful for the coping I’m managing to do. It’s not glamorous, but it’s important. In a time when everyone seems to be talking about self-care in terms of bubble baths and face masks, it’s important to remember that self-care is often boring.

It has been a very busy week, and that’s not going to let up for me any time soon. Very busy is the new normal, for the next two-plus years. For now, during this intense adjustment period, I’m coping. And that’s self-care. Boring self-care, but self-care regardless.

Some things I have done to cope this week:

  • Be in bed (not necessarily going to sleep, but at least ready for sleep and under the covers, usually reading) by 9pm most nights.
  • Still getting up at 5:30 and doing my planned workouts and runs before work. Except on Wednesday, when I listened to my body telling me it was exhausted and slept in instead.
  • Waiting in line at Starbucks for 20 minutes for a PSL I’d been looking forward to and craving all day. Taking the time to just relax and enjoy being a human being while waiting in line.
  • Appreciate the sound of the pouring rain.
  • Wear cozy sweaters to work where it is now as cold as a walk-in freezer.
  • Bullet journal to keep organized.
  • Work away at my grad school readings a little at a time.
  • Play games on my phone when I need to zone out.
  • Take showers that are a little longer than usual and just enjoy standing in the hot water.
  • Listen to podcasts on my drive to and from UBC.
  • Stay on top of my work e-mail.
  • Do the dishes as soon as I get home after work or class so that I can have a clean kitchen to pack my lunch/dinner in the next morning.

I’m busy, and I’ve got a lot of stressful things going on, but I’m coping. I’m not exhausted, I’m challenged. And most of the time, I’m enjoying myself!

There you have it!

So, that’s my Thankful Thursday list for this week. I hope it inspires you to make your own, and get on that gratitude train!

Peace and love,

Bee

“Died by” vs “Committed” – A Reflection on Suicide Nomenclature

Recently I read Jennifer Niven’s young adult novel, All the Bright Places, which deals with suicide and mental illness.

What I thought of the book

Overall, I loved it. And you can read my review of it over on my book blog. Fair warning: it’s one of my only not spoiler-free reviews. It’s a really good, mature-ish, YA (young adult) novel. It’s creative and fun, but also dark and serious.

The reason my review is not spoiler-free is because of the topic of this post. One of the characters dies by suicide, and his girlfriend, as a narrator, writes it as to “commit” suicide instead of “die by.”

You need some back story.

Before I get to some of the reasons why this nomenclature difference is important, I want to explain why I’m writing this post. A few years ago, the difference in wording was brought to my attention (not directly) by another mental health advocate in my sphere. It made complete sense to me, and since then, I have been vocally challenging anyone who uses “committed” instead of “died by.” And very often, people ask me why it matters. That made it clear to me that the phrasing needs more attention. This novel made that clear to me as well, as does any time I encounter “committed” instead of “died by” in reference to suicide.

My history

First of all, I have never attempted suicide or seriously contemplated it. I do, however, experience intrusive thoughts related to suicide, which I talk to my counsellor about.

I have also had several experiences with a person in my sphere dying by suicide. Never a close friend or family member, but I don’t think that matters.

Please, if you are a person with more authority on this matter than I am, share your thoughts and challenge mine if they need to be.

So, why does this matter?

First, think about instances where we use the word “committed.” People are “committed” to institutions, like prisons or hospitals. Crimes are “committed.” Most often, we encounter this word with a negative connotation.

But suicide is not a crime. It is a tragedy.

“Died by” vs. “committed” suicide – the difference

Saying that a person committed suicide gives their passing the connotation of a crime. Which it is not. It is unfortunate. And terribly, terribly sad. It is heartbreaking. It hurts other people. But it is not a crime. And most times, it is not even a choice.

People who die by suicide are not criminals. They are not inherently bad. They’ve just lost the battle with a disorder, just like people who die from cancer or heart attack have lost the battle with a disease. I would argue that people who die by suicide are far closer to victims than they are criminals.

What I’m doing

Every time I encounter the phrase “commit/committed/commits suicide,” I challenge it. Vocally. And I invite you to as well.

The thing that I find most interesting is that in her afterword, Niven uses “died by suicide,” not “committed.” I wonder why she chose the other wording in the story. I wonder if perhaps she thought it would be more realistic for a teenager to not know the right wording. I don’t know.

But I do think that writers and bloggers and mental health advocates have a duty to treat mental health and stigma with care. Words are powerful. Don’t get me wrong, I think Niven does a very good job of this for 99% of her novel. But any time a person reads the word “committed” instead of “died by” before the word “suicide,” it teaches the reader, subconsciously or not, that that is the word you use. Conversely, the same can be said about choosing to write “died by.”

In a world where there is still so much stigma associated with mental illness, perpetuating as much health-centred, person-centred, and less-negative vocabulary is important.

Let’s work to end the stigma, and help people who suffer with various mental disorders and who experience suicidal ideation or thoughts of suicide.

Peace and love,

– Bee.